Doing Just Fine
Once again, it’s time for my perfunctory end of the year posts. For some weird reason, these days (past few years really), I only seem to be able to write about myself at the end of the year. I want to say it’s because things shut down at the end of the year, and I get time off but I haven’t had any time off for the holidays this year so it must be something else. Maybe it’s an innate desire to recap and summarise the end of a cycle, the end of the year, the end of anything really. If you know me, you know I love a list, a summary, a spreadsheet and other such things. But I digress, I’m not here to talk about my quirks per se. This is in fact a love (and I use that term very loosely) letter to/about year 2022.
I actually started writing most of this on my birthday, which was two months ago by the way, but now is a good time as any to actually post it. Year '22 started on a high note, I was happy to be here. I was still a youth corp member so of course, one of the things I looked forward to the most this year was dropping that ill-fitting khaki uniform and the annoying weekly Community Development Service (CDS) programme. I should have cherished those CDS days you know, I hated them but at least I got a someworth free work day out of them.
Fear:I hate to say that I struggled but I did, and a lot if I am being honest. I ended up in the hospital more times than I would like to count, and such stark reminders of your frailty and mortality can be a little scary. Many times I was crippled by fear, fear of the unknown, fear of the future. But I moved in spite of these fears. In my lowest moments, I thought about my mum a lot. As much as was in my power, I wanted to stay for her and that was shocking to me. I love that woman but I did not think she would be the one person my soul would cling to say my lowest. But you see life has a way of shifting your perspective, of showing you what is important. And I did learn what was important to me. I learnt to show up for the things and the ones I love, and perhaps more importantly, I learned to face my fears. I did not conquer them all, in fact some of those fears gave me a sound whooping. But you know what? I faced them and that is enough for now. I’ll learn to beat them someday.
Patience: this year taught me to wait ….a lot. I love to live on a schedule, my tiny heart is always so glad to have a timeline, to know what to do and when to do it. But I am happy that this year taught me to operate more loosely in my schedules, to wait, to be patient and to be content in ceding control. A lot of the things I wanted, I did not get. Actually if I’m being honest, I did not get most of the things that I wanted. But that is fine, I’m still working towards those dreams and someday I’ll look back and realise I have them. Life is short but the time stretches long, and sometimes the want gnaws at me. It makes me anxious, I worry about the things I do not have, I worry about waiting too long. But this year, I realised that a lot of these goals, wants, aspirations are just things. Things which do not rule me, things which do not get to dictate how I find joy in life. Things which I can work towards and wait for to happen. This year taught me to wait and for that I am grateful. I am not a patient saint and I will never be, but I have learnt the value of waiting.
Love, Friendship: I like to think that I was a lot more intentional with my friendships this year (if I am wrong, my friends will have my head in the group chat). Looking back on this year, I was surrounded by so much love and even when I did not feel it, I know that it was there. I am so thankful for the one friend miles away, who got an entire community to check up on me that one night. The friends who let me vent and stayed with me on all those long calls. The ones who talked me through panic attacks, the ones who constantly showed up for me in many ways. Some friendships were harder but I am glad that I was able to navigate and solidify these connections.
Still on love, I look through my notes on God, Anxiety and Depression. I still can’t bring myself to publish that article; it gets longer and longer and I do not know what to do with it. In one paragraph, I wrote:
“I can’t explain how much love does not keep you here. In these dark moments, I do not recall the love I have or the love you feel for me. The waves are breaking over me, of course I can’t see the sunset or the shore or the beautiful sand on the beach. It’s heavy, it renders me lifeless. The waters drag me down and I can’t move. So no, I don’t think your love will save me but I’m thankful that you try. I’d like to think that someday, it will be the light that I need. I like to think it will be a ray of sunshine, no matter how little, that will pierce through the darkness that surrounds me. So perhaps it might save me but you have to forgive my pessimism. It’s not that you’re not enough, it’s just that doubt and disbelief are my perpetual companion. Now that I think about it, I do believe in love in a little. I have not the lofty dreams you have but I have a little faith.”
I cannot remember what inspired this: could have been a movie, an event or my own thoughts. But I look at my life this year and I can say that love did save me. I cannot count the number of times love showed up for me; a light in the darkness, a warm blanket, wrapping itself around me and calming those wild thoughts. So maybe love does show up and I am glad that this year opened my eyes to that reality.
P.S: I never speak of romantic love. I am a Christian woman who only loves Jesus.
God: I cannot say I found God this year. I found God years ago, but I think this year was a little different. Per my Bible app, I spent 347 days in the Bible app. I found comfort in Nicky’s familiar voice saying: “this is the Bible in one year". It has been an interesting journey. I had questions, plenty questions (some of which are still unanswered) but something shifted. It’s not so much an obligation anymore, it’s an experience I crave, a relationship I want. I slipped and fell many times this year but God came through for me always. And I know I could not have made it through the year without God’s hand upon me. Thank you Sky Daddy (or whatever it is the youth say).
I had many losses this year, and although it’s easy to drown in loss, it is important to celebrate your wins. I am reminded by a friend that I started my newsletter this year, and have almost sixty subscribers. I am shocked people want to read my thoughts on finance and corporate law. I really was content to just write, but I get the sweetest messages from my subscribers sometimes, and it feels me with this sense of accomplishment. I may not be doing all that I want, but I know I am doing some things right. I hope that I can journal properly in the coming year, to remind myself of the things I have been through, my wins, my losses and my accomplishments. To always know where I am coming from, and to always keep my destination in view. I hope that I never forget who I am.
On my birthday this year, I kept playing Tatiana Manois’ “25 Doing Just Fine". That song perfectly encapsulates my thoughts you know. I am indeed terrified of how things will turn out, but there’s so much ahead, my head is out of the clouds and most importantly, I am doing just fine.
Goodbye 2022.
Happy New Year (in advance).
