Hello New Year
Hey it’s me again.
The last time I was here, I was writing about 2020 or maybe cryptocurrency, look I don’t remember. Anyway it’s the end of another year yet again! This time last year, I was sitting at my window gazing at the harmattan dust and just reflecting on what 2020 had been. Later that day, I immersed myself in stories of a certain billionaire’s escapades and all such gossip I could find really. I like to think that I was happy, the thought of a new beginning made me happy. By past eleven, I was on a call with a couple of friends, said happy new year to a special friend but my how things have changed!
I came into 2021 with a lot of goals, a whole lot of promise and things I wanted to achieve. Most especially I really wanted to be done with that institution called the Nigerian law school. 2020 was a weird year, so of course the bar was set really low for 2021. But as I look back at the goals that I set for myself for the year, I realise that I probably did not achieve about 90% of them. And I’m sort of okay with that now.
So this time, I have no goals written down for the new year, absolutely nothing, just a desire to improve myself and make myself better. Call it ptsd or fear or whatever,and I won’t argue with you. 2021 showed me pepper and no be you go tell me wetin I go do. This year taught me alot, it taught me to be resilient and I’m happy for that.
I don’t know for sure what I want to do in 2022, it’s crazy and also scary. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m scared, that for the first time in my life (and if you know me, you know I always have a 10-step of some sort) I don’t have any perfect plan, I don’t even have any plans at all. Like Phoebe said on one episode, in the popular sitcom Friends, “I don’t even have a pla”.
Sure I know that I want to have money and I want to be independent and I want to move forward in my career but there’s nothing concrete at this point and this is so weird and so unusual because I am the planner. I’m the one with the spreadsheet, the one with the documents, the one with the checklists. But if there’s one thing 2021 taught me, it was to live a little, to wing life sometimes. I mean even now I know that I would not, I would never be that spontaneous kind of person. I would always want to have a plan generally but for this new year, I am content with only having a rough sketch of what I want to do with my life. And the thing is, that doesn’t take away the fear but I’m learning to live with the fear. I know now that the fear, the worry and the anxiety will always be there but I’m much more confident that I can pull through despite my fears and I can make something of myself and my life without doubt and worry holding me back. Thanks to my friends, my best girls I believe so much more in myself.
I’m that b**** I’m that girl and yes I can do the things I want to do. I’m pretty okay with my trajectory now but this wasn’t an easy journey. A couple of days ago I nearly lost my mind reading all the perfunctory wins for the year posts that always appear at the end of the year on social media. But then I said to myself we all have different journeys and it’s ok that we are at different points in our lives. At the end of the day, life is not one general exam, it is different tests for different people and you should never measure your success by where other people are in their own lives, in their own journeys and in their own race.
Most importantly, I’m learning that it’s ok not to be ok. I am learning to sit with my losses. I’m learning to sit with my pain. I’m learning to sit with the broken pieces of myself and to be content in not being fixed and I would say 2021 did that for me. It made me realise that my endless desperation for wholeness, for perfection, being flawless or being efficient was costing me a whole lot. So I have decided to give up. And I know this sounds really weird, like we are supposed to be saying we go again but I choose to give up on this. Instead I choose to live in 2022. I want to wake up and smell the roses. I want to take long walks. I want to watch movies, listen to music, laugh and dance. I want to paint, I would love to give my imagination freedom to roam and to think and to go places that I would never have dared to before. I want to drink coffee and go on dates, to watch movies and to tell my friends that I love them constantly. I choose to be happy. I choose me and I choose peace. I choose to watch the sunset and sunrise and to take life easy, slowly but surely.
Today as I reflect on the year almost gone, I am numb. Not happy, not sad, not anything and I think that’s a good thing. I don’t know if I believe in the new gear magic anymore, I don’t know that I ever did. But a new year signifies a passage of time, a measure of moments that have come and gone and it’s a lovely reflection point.
So in 2022, I hope to let go of the expectations that have shrouded my life for years. I hope to create my own expectations and to live up to them as much as I can, as much as is in my power. To give myself more grace and forgive my mistakes.
As a popular twitter user said:
In 2021 I was strong, in 2022 I want to be happy.
